Caregiver's Guilt

I have observed two forms of guilt, a healthy form and an unhealthy form. The healthy form allows us to care about how our words or actions hurt others. The unhealthy form, many times, acts like a stealthy tool of destruction.  

Did you know unhealthy guilt can also be a form of selfishness? Instead of doing what you need to let guilt go or make things right, you hold on to it watching it slowly destroy you. So why then do parents hold onto it, knowing it could destroy us and all who are around us?

Guilt may be a form of selfishness, but it may equally be the purest form of love. Love in the sense of being a selfless act, allowing one's own body to experience duress. For example, I have known many new mothers that felt as if they were literally giving their baby to someone else when they had to go back to work. Many of them cried for days over "feelings of guilt".

I tend to experience deep guilt when I think about all the challenges my autistic daughter has had to overcome. It pains me to know I brought her into a world that does not understand her. It bothers me to know many social settings will not allow her to be who she is without hurting her feelings. I have done my best to keep a positive charge around her. This effort to "keep hope alive" weighs on a parent after a while, knowing one day you may depart the Earth without notice.

It wasn't until I started going to support meetings and sharing with other parents, that I realized many of us engage is this form of "love" for our children. The problem is this love-guilt may lead to severe child-parent attachment issues, bouts of staggering anxiety, mental distress, and shame because we won't allow ourselves to release it.

The good news is there are proven methods to assist in releasing unhealthy guilt.  First, recognizing that there are things you can control and there are things you cannot control. I do my best to keep control of what I can control, and let go of what I cannot control. This takes practice, because the mind easily gets stuck in habits that need to be broken. Second, think about why you feel guilty and ask yourself how your guilt is affecting your family and your life, in general. Third, accept what you cannot change and begin to think about ways to change what can be changed. Fourth, remember as a caregiver of an individual with special needs your responsibilities and daily tasks are more than the typical caregiver duties. Stop being hard on yourself and recognize the good you do for your loved ones and take to time stay focused on that. And lastly, many parents I talk to release through prayer, breathing exercises, working out, talking it out with others, or simply spending a short time away.

A respite is a well-deserved short time away.  Some of us have wonderful opportunities for respite, while others find it very difficult to “get away” for one reason or another.  Many parents report that after a few hours of respite, they realize they feel "blown up" like a balloon with concerns and issues. This causes many of them to spend most of their respite deflating.  It is during this time of deflation that we gather ourselves and regain the stamina needed to care for our children.

Find a respite. Take a break. Release. You deserve it.

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